as I embark on each step of this journey, And believe me I know that in comparison to many we are newbies, I find myself dealing with so many emotions... and while I want to share them with others, I find myself almost protecting myself... like if I don't blog about them... maybe I can just forget all the pain and torment my heart is experiencing. So for several days now I have debated with myself on whether or not to blog... But if I truly want this to be about my journey... then I have to... I have to be honest with myself and tell my story... so here goes... We knew that this weekend was going to be baby making showtime... I was excited and ready to begin the long wait again... however our donor backed out on us on Friday... My first reaction was anger... I wanted to go find him punch his face in and then kick him when he was down...(I know this sounds awful, but this is how I felt) I was in a rage... I hated him... Doesn't he know how much this means to us... stupid jerk face( yes I went there)... So needless to say that I was a mess... absolutely of no comfort to Prince Charming I am sure, but that was my raw emotion... My mind immediately went to how can I fix this... I was have visions in my head of going to a bar and giving some drunk guy money to go whack off in the bathroom...( crude I know... I was going nuts... DON'T JUDGE ME.) So after I calm down and start to think a little more clearly... The heartbreak hit me... no donor ='s no baby... and then the emotions all came crashing down... my dreams were crushed... the next day my phone rings... and it is a old friend of ours that has always told us that he would donate sperm when the time came... I thought my miracle had happened... that this was going to fix all our problems... He agreed to help, and all was right with the world again, except when Prince Charming took the ovulation test... we had missed out chance... it was to late, and again I felt the flood of emotions... now calm collected me, knows that this just was not our month, and maybe the next one will be, but It hurt... it hurt really bad... because there was no warning... just devastation (at least that is what it felt like to me). Prince Charming was stellar thru all of this as she usually is, and I know that our dreams are still in the making and that timing is everything... blah blah blah, but it stunk... and still stinks...
Now, I am an emotional person to begin with... yes I am the girl that cry's at Hallmark commercials... and If you really want to see me cry just show me a preview of something bad happening on the next episode of Greys Anatomy... then the waterworks start for sure... I have a very special bond with Greys... besides the fact that I own all 7 seasons... this show has got me thru so many hard times... as crazy as it sounds I feel like I know these people... they have been a part of my life for so many years... this relationship started when I was in college, and my Sorority (Zeta Zeta Zeta) would have Thursday night Greys nights... yes even our Beaus would come to watch with us... We did this for years... and when major things have happened in my life, I have found comfort and joy in Greys... For example, My Mom passed away on New Years Eve when I was home for Christmas( I Went to College in Texas, and am from Kansas City, Mo). The first Greys night when I got back to school... Georges dad Died... I meet Prince Charming and discovered my sexuality, and all of a sudden Cali is gay and dating Arizona... and then when I got Married Christina finally got married, and while I am struggling to have a baby, Meredith and Derick are trying to have a baby... do you get my weird bond yet? Anyway the purpose of me telling you all of that is that it happened again... I have them set to record, but sometimes I get a week behind and such... well last week when we were watching a girl on the show had to make a tough decision and take her mom off life support, I kid you not, we watched this the day after Prince Charming had to make the same decision for her granddad.. and at the very end of the show... the social worker shows up and gives Derick and Meridith Zola... SO that must mean that our baby is not far behind them right!?! Now that you all think I am a nut case! I will leave you with that...
Ok first of all THAT SUCKS!!!! In one way its good you donor backed out before it was too late if he wasnt comfortable woth it in the end....on the othet hand he should have let u know earlier...that blows the big one and I am so sorry this happened ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI personally find blogging theraputic...Wen I put my emotions out there on my blog, I do feel vulnerable to judgments but I am who I am and I need to say how I feel...even if it seems nuts.So u say what u gotta say...and dont hesitate!! Big hugs to u both! Next month will be ur month...I know it!!!
Sorry to hear about the missed opportunity this month. I hope Grey's Anatomy is the premonition of good news to come. And my surrogacy process has been based on old "Friends" episodes I've caught on TV and fortune cookies so I get it!
ReplyDeleteOur surrogate said to me almost two years ago, "one month is not a long time to wait when it comes to a baby", and she was right. It's just a month. Don't make me go on and on about how long we've been waiting :-) I'm giving you some tough love and to be honest, I am super hypersensitive and emotional too. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteAs another long time TTC'er my heart feels everything you've said. At the beginning of our journey we used a local donor (actually several of them) and yes, month after month we were like ok, i'm going to a bar and somehow you're ending up knocked up. We then moved on to buying it from a bank and month after month after month it was always negative. We then found our amazing donor who badda bing badda boom made the magic happen and still does every month that we ask (eewww gross, it's sick to think of) but what we never did was give up so DO NOT GIVE UP! Please don't stop writng, it's good for your soul and we'd all miss you! It will happen, I just know it will.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you decided to get your feelings out and that you shared them with us. Those feelings are sorta like gas, better out then in. If you try to hold them in they hurt. Keep your heads up. You have a new donor, in fact the donor you were always meant to have. Those babies pick us. Yours is just waiting for everything to be in line. Till then Tony, Zoey and I all send you love.
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